Atonement
by I-Love-Capn-Raydor
Summary: What happens when what you have isn't enough, and what you want could break you? Sharon Raydor is torn between the easy choice and the right choice, and no matter what she chooses, someone she loves will be hurt.
1. Chapter 1

Atonement part 1

Sharon Raydor did not break the rules for good reason. She abhorred the grey areas that opened up when the rules were not strictly enforced, and strictly followed. Or at least, that's how it had been for the majority of her life. The courthouse shooting seemed to have been a turning point for her, resetting her moral compass in a way that she found both liberating and deeply disconcerting. It was that, she figured, and not the night she'd spent with her ex, thanks to her fiance, because she had already abandoned her regard for the rules before... Everything with Brenda.

Now, she sat in the media room, and watched as Sanchez slammed a suspect's head down on the table. She could feel the weight of Andy's gaze, and the tang of Provenza's disapproval was like ash in her mouth, but she made no move to corral her detective. She understood Julio in a way, now. She had a rage bubbling just beneath the surface all the time. Julio expressed his by physical altercations with the worst of the worst - in her opinion, he was being positively gentle with the head of a child trafficking ring - but she was in the unfortunate habit of lashing out verbally these days. She bit the inside of her cheek, a trick she'd picked up from Brenda all those years ago, to keep from saying anything she might regret. She waited, and she watched, and when she was certain that Julio had regained his temper, when he was seated again, she spun slowly in her chair and glared at Andy and Provenza.

"It would be nice if you could have a little faith in your colleagues, instead of assuming they have no control."

"Sharon - it's just... You know how he can be." Andy said placatingly, his hand landing heavily on her shoulder.

She shrugged him off.

"People can change."

Brenda hadn't seen Sharon since she'd dropped her off at the house she lived in with Andy and Rusty, almost 6 weeks ago. It was what she had expected, what she pushed Sharon into, but it hurt. She had kissed Sharon goodbye, but the way Sharon kissed her back had felt more like a promise, and Brenda couldn't help the tendril of hope that bloomed like a vise around her heart. But she did the right thing, and she left Sharon at the doorstep of her life with Andy, and she walked away, again. She consoled herself with interrogating Rusty when she saw him, and she spent a lot of time texting Andy the things he should do to help Sharon. He never answered, so she didn't know if she was helping or not, but it made her feel like she was doing something, anyway. Which is why, when her phone buzzed in the middle of the day, she was surprised to see a reply from Andy. "Level 3, same as last time, but come now." Brenda looked at her desk blotter, and the three appointments she had lined up for the afternoon. She shoved her chair back and snatched her purse from the bottom drawer - and a Reese Cup for strength and luck, and she bolted from the office, tossing instructions to cancel the rest of the day over her shoulder at her gobsmacked assistant. She made it across town in a remarkable 10 minutes, made all the more remarkable that she wasn't stopped for speeding. She paused to swipe her ID, and while she waited for the swingarm to raise and grant her entry, she stuffed the second half of the Reese cup in her mouth, and felt the wave of calm sweep over her as she chewed. She pulled smoothly into the parking spot near the elevator, and stepped out of her car to wait.

Sharon knew what she was doing was wrong. It was a breach of trust on a number of levels, but she had to know. She had called Brenda's office, and inquired about making an appointment for the afternoon - the young woman who answered the phone explained that Brenda had meetings through the afternoon, and would not be able to make room in her schedule. Sharon had nodded, and hung up. She was crushed by the need to escape, but she had no where to go - Andy was everywhere, at work, at home - even here in her office, his sport jacket was draped carelessly across the chair. She took her glasses off and tapped the stem against her lower lip. She knew it was wrong. She should not stand up and walk over to that sloppily strewn jacket. She should not find the phone in the inside pocket. She absolutely should not unlock the screen and open the text message app. She should not search for Brenda's thread - closer to the top than she expected, since it had been 6 weeks and radio silence again, even though Sharon had asked her to wait with a kiss that said more than her words ever could. But then, as she scrolled, she realized - Brenda hadn't abandoned her again. Quite the opposite.

"Make sure she eats a little bit of a meal today. We hit the wine pretty good, she'll be feeling a little peaky if she doesn't eat."

"How is she sleeping?"

"I read an article that warm milk increases melatonin and helps with bad dreams, if she's still having them."

"Rusty says she's sad all the time. You have to be strong for her right now. Remind her of who she is."

"Andy Flynn! What is this about you forgot about a date night? She is the center of your world, how could you forget she was waiting for you? You have to go big to make this up to her. Leave it to me, you just show up when and where I say."

Sharon was startled when the words blurred on the screen, she hadn't realized she was crying.

"Okay, appetizers at the little French place she likes, the waiter is going to put tickets for Il Trovotore in the folio for the check. After the show, take her to the rooftop of the opera house - there will be a picnic waiting. The rest is up to you."

Sharon sobbed a laugh. Of course the most romantic night of her life was orchestrated by the woman who held her heart. She wiped her eyes, and quickly, before she lost her nerve, she typed a short missive before replacing the phone. Then she went to the parking garage, and tucked away inside the vestibule that held the elevator. If she stood just so, she could see out of the tiny glass and cement enclosure. She would know if Brenda would drop her work and come to her without having a reason. If she came, Sharon would be honest. But, it was better not to get her hopes up, because Brenda was not in the habit of putting anything in front of her job. Still, she waited.

Brenda paced a little bit, and glanced down at her watch. She was leaning towards feeling impatient, but then she remembered that Sharon needed her, or was in a bad enough way that Andy was willing to take the risk a second time. She pushed herself up on her trunk and crossed her legs. There was no reason to pace or be impatient. Sharon was absolutely worth waiting for.

Sharon watched through the glass. She almost went back to the office, when Brenda started to pace, but the look on Brenda's face held her in place. She frowned, as Brenda stood still as stone for a moment, then grinned and hoisted herself up on the trunk in a most unladylike fashion and sat there, as serene as Sharon had ever seen her.

That, more than anything else, propelled Sharon out of the vestibule, and over to the woman who waited for her.


	2. Chapter 2

Atonement part 2

Brenda was surprised when Sharon was alone - Andy had bodily escorted her last time. She slid down from the trunk as Sharon barreled towards her, and caught her up in a tight embrace. She was acutely aware of the public space they occupied, but she could feel the tension in the planes of Sharon's shoulders, and the set of her jaw. She leaned back against the trunk, and drew soothing stripes along Sharon's back.

"Hey, it's OK. It's OK, whatever is going on, I've got you. It's OK." Brenda murmured softly, dropping a kiss on the top of Sharon's head.

"When you say that, I almost believe you." Sharon replied, her voice breaking a bit.

Brenda held her close, and spun them around so that Sharon was leaning on the car, and Brenda pressed up against her, trapping her in between.

"I've got you, Sharon." Brenda said firmly, holding Sharon's gaze.

Sharon nodded, not trusting her voice to stay strong in the face of her whirling emotions. Brenda took a step back, but caught Sharon's hand, twining their fingers together.

"Now. What's going on that Andy has me picking you up in the middle of the day? Is it Rusty? Is he OK?"

Sharon blinked, as tears sprang unbidden once more. She really was an awful person now. Brenda was clearly concerned, and all Sharon wanted to do was drag her into the elevator and push that skirt up. She looked down at her shoes, and started to walk away. "It's really nothing. He overreacted as usual. I'm fine."

"Don't do that, please? I can't... Don't lie to me about needing me. I can take almost anything else, but that will kill me." Brenda said softly, tugging Sharon back to her. "I'm here for you. Whatever you need."

Sharon took a deep breath.

"Take me home?"

Brenda looked puzzled, but she nodded, and moving her hand to the small of Sharon's back, she walked her around to the passenger side, and opened the door. She leaned in, and fastened the seat belt as she had before, but this time, her hands lingered a little longer than was strictly necessary, and Sharon felt goosebumps cascade over her skin, and she shivered ever so slightly. Brenda stood upright again, and closed the door gently, though the sound was still loud in Sharon's ears. She dropped into the driver's seat, and keyed the ignition, and started off to Sharon's house.

They'd gone less than 2 blocks when Sharon noticed the route. She looked over at Brenda, who had both hands on the wheel at ten and two, and the skin over her knuckles was stretched taut and white. There had been a failure to communicate, but Sharon wasn't sure how to fix it. Or rather, she was pretty sure that the idea she had for fixing it was a spectacularly bad one. She pushed aside the image of her mouth on Brenda's breast, her hand buried under Brenda's skirt as she drove. Instead, she put her hand safely, chastely on Brenda's knee, and cleared her throat.

"I meant, to your house, if that's alright with you?"

Brenda stiffened, and glanced quickly at Sharon, her uncertainty plain to see.

"It's fine, Rusty has a late class and Andy won't be home until after his meeting at 8pm, so we certainly have enough time; and yes I'm sure." Sharon replied, and then used her hand, still resting innocently on Brenda's knee, to begin tracing the floral pattern on that reassuringly hideous skirt.

Brenda's mouth went dry as she felt the slow drag of Sharon's questing fingers through the fabric on the sensitive skin of her inner thigh.

"Sharon what exactly are you doing?" Brenda asked quietly.

"I'm just admiring your fashion sense. These flowers are just lovely. And they hang on your frame so well I couldn't help but touch them. These days I find it hard to resist touching beautiful things." Sharon replied her voice low, she was a little surprised at her own audacity.

Brenda laughed, a genuinely tickled laugh, and Sharon was taken by the sound as much as the novelty of an emotion other than stifling, cloying concern being directed at her. She chuckled softly along.

"Should I ask what's funny?"

"Sharon. You have never in your entire life, admired a single one of these skirts. I believe you threatened to pile them in the yard once, and burn them in effigy as a sacrifice to the easter bunny, or something ridiculous like that. If you are planning to seduce me, you're going to need a better line than 'I like your skirt, but I'd like it better on my floor'."

At that, Sharon laughed harder, and nodded.

"I mean, you aren't wrong. I just...I mean..." Sharon trailed off, and resumed tracing the leaves and petals that swirled airily around Brenda's thighs.

"Hey. It's okay. I get it. I may have to back and re-learn crochet, for something to do with my hands, if we're going to be spending more time together, because if you ever wore anything other than solids or stripes, I'd trace patterns for an excuse to touch you too." There was not a trace of laughter in Brenda's voice as she spoke, and when she glanced over at Sharon, the heat in her gaze made Sharon's mouth go dry.

"You don't need an excuse to touch me, Brenda Leigh." Sharon rasped, as she dipped her fingertips just below the hem of Brenda's skirt, brushing lightly over the caps of her knees, stroking the groove of her outer thigh. "Do I need an excuse to touch you?" Sharon whispered the last, as her hand crested round the top of Brenda's thigh, and came to rest, the pads of her fingers just along the inner curve.

Brenda took a deep breath, and skip counted by threes in Czech until she was sure she could trust her voice, and her words.

"Sharon. Why did Andy text me today?"

"I hate it when you answer a question with a question." Sharon sat back and folded her arms.

"The last time, it was because you'd shot a man to death, and you weren't sleeping or eating properly. Now, I know it's only been a little more than 6 weeks, and I'm always happy to see you, darlin', but I don't know what to do with the fact that we only get together when your fiance schedules it out for us. What happened today?"

Sharon plucked imaginary lint off of her sleeve, and glared out the window.

"I told you, nothing happened to make Andy text you."

Brenda pulled into the driveway, and put the car in park, but left the engine running, as she gave Sharon a searching glance.

"Do you remember the time I told you that I hated askin' questions I didn't already know the answer to?" Brenda asked softly.

"I do. It's what made you equal parts infuriating and fantastically clever, among other things." Sharon replied, her attention still on the view out the window.

"So I have two questions right now. One I am pretty sure I know the answer to, and the other one, I am at something of a loss." Brenda turned off the ignition, and leaned over, flipping open the clasps on the seat belts that held her and Sharon in place, and paused, with her hand on Sharon's hip.

"Was it Andy who texted me today, Sharon, or was it you?"

"What's your other question?"

Brenda shook her head, and got out of the car. She didn't make it the whole way around to open the door for Sharon, before Sharon was out of the car and stalking towards her, energy crackling in her every move. Brenda decided her neighbors didn't need a matinee show, and she headed for the door, unlocking it as Sharon strode up behind her, close enough that Brenda could feel the warmth of her body.

"What is your other question, Brenda?" Sharon asked, following her inside. Brenda stopped short, and dropped her keys on the table, peering up at Sharon through her lashes.

"Why?" she asked simply.


	3. Chapter 3

Atonement Part 3

Sharon was tired of answering questions. It seemed like in the six weeks since the shooting, all she did was answer questions. Was there anything else she could have done, did all those people really have to die, was she okay, did she mind if Andy went to a meeting, could Rusty have Gus over, was she going to church again, an endless litany of questions, and Sharon could not answer one more. She kept silent.

Brenda looked at her for a long moment, then reached past her to shut the door. The snick of the lock was a starter pistol in Sharon's ears. She surged forward, catching Brenda by the waist, and spun them, as she fused their lips together, and pressed them against the door. Brenda's hands fluttered up to rest on Sharon's hips even as she made a surprised little oomph when her back impacted the imitation wood. Sharon's tongue was warm and tasted like coffee as Brenda allowed her entrance, against her better judgment. Brenda knew this couldn't go much farther, not like this, but even though she wanted to be a better, less selfish person for Sharon, she kissed her back, pulling their hips flush, sliding her hands down to rest in the well tailored back pockets of Sharon's trousers.

Sharon ground against the warmth of those curves, and slid her hands beneath Brenda's blouse, feeling the jump and twitch of abdominal muscles, before reaching the rasp of lace, groaning as her fingers found the diamond hard nipples encased within the delicate fabric. She thumbed over one, loving the shudder that jolted through Brenda's body at the gesture. She broke the kiss, and licked the column of Brenda's throat, nuzzling at her earlobe.

"Does this answer your question?" She husked, rolling Brenda's nipple between skillful fingers.

Brenda's head fell back against the door with a thud, as she tried to get a hold of herself.

"Sharon, darlin, you don't know what you're doing to me, but we have to slow down for a minute here." Brenda murmured.

"On the contrary, I know exactly what I'm doing." Sharon replied hotly, as she slid one hand between their bodies, ruching Brenda's skirt up, and cupping the soft heat at the juncture of Brenda's thighs. "I've no intention of slowing down, Brenda Leigh, don't tell me that you don't want this as much as I do." Sharon let her middle finger nestle firmly against the gentle dip of Brenda's center, covered by a wisp of cotton and silk. "Why, you ask? Because I want to fuck you, Brenda, that's why. I want to shove your panties aside, I don't even want to waste time taking them off. I want to bury two, then three fingers inside you, and I want to fuck you. I want to feel you drip against my hand as I push inside, feel you stretched and open for me. I want to feel how wet you are, and know that I'm the reason for it. Tell me you don't want this as much as I do." Sharon rasped, her breath warm against Brenda's skin.

"Jesus, Sharon." Brenda felt desire like an actual weight pool at the base of her spine. "I think you know how much I want you." She took a deep breath, and licked her lips, trying not to moan as Sharon pressed kisses along the length of her throat. "But, I think.. "

"Stop thinking, and tell me what you feel, Brenda Leigh."

"I feel like I don't know what to do right now, and that is a very confusing feeling for me. I want to surrender to you, this, us. I want your hands and your mouth, so much that it's painful - but I also want to make sure that you can look at yourself in the mirror later. That you can look at Andy. That you can look at me with something other than regret." Brenda trailed off at the end.

Sharon slid her hand from beneath Brenda's blouse, and slowly unbuttoned the top button.

"I promise you, I won't regret this." She slipped another button free, and sucked at the skin stretched over Brenda's collarbone. "I have lived my entire life according to what I should do, and what I am supposed to do. Right now, Brenda, I want to make decisions based on what I want to do. I will stop if you ask me to, if you don't want this, I will stop and we can pretend it never happened. Or you can stop thinking, and just feel." Sharon popped the last button free, and flipped the clasp of Brenda's front close bra open, pressing the newly naked flesh against the satin of her own blouse.

"Are you sure? You promise you won't hate me for this?" Brenda whispered, arching into Sharon's touch.

"Cross my heart." Sharon said solemnly, before pushing the blouse off of Brenda's shoulders, trapping her arms behind her back. "Can you stay like this for me?"

Brenda swallowed at the rasp in Sharon's voice, and nodded.

"Do you remember what I said I wanted to do with you?" Sharon asked, pressing Brenda against the door, and tangling her fingers in her hair. She waited for Brenda to nod, and then she pulled her into a searing kiss. She slid her other hand up under that dreadful skirt, and true to her word, pushed the damp fabric impediment aside, and finally, finally made contact with the blazing heat that had occupied her thoughts for longer than was strictly rational. Brenda moaned into the kiss, and shifted her weight, parting her thighs and canting her hips eagerly.

Sharon swirled her finger through the very tangible evidence of Brenda's desire, and broke the kiss, tugging Brenda's head back to meet her gaze.

"Mmm," she hummed darkly, tracing a path that left Brenda breathless. "So wet already. Is that really all for me?"

"All yours, love. Always." Brenda gasped as Sharon pushed a single slender finger inside.

Something in those words hit Sharon in an unfamiliar place, and she fairly purred, ducking her head and sucking hard at the skin on the swell of Brenda's breast, as she worked her hand rhythmically between them.

"All mine. I quite like the sound of that." She pressed the heel of her hand down, and added another finger.

"Yes, love. Just like that. Don't stop." Brenda breathed, as Sharon released her hair and roughly palmed the breast she'd marked, pinching the nipple between her thumb and forefinger, thrusting against Sharon's hands.

"You should see yourself. Your lipstick is smeared, your hair is a riot of tangles, and your pupils are blown as wide as I've ever seen. Beautiful." Sharon spoke directly into Brenda's ear. The resulting throb around her fingers gave Sharon pause. She dragged her teeth along Brenda's jaw.

"Please... " Brenda felt a jolt of pleasure at Sharon's words.

"Don't beg Brenda." Sharon growled, pushing a third finger into all that wet heat. "We're just getting started."

Brenda longed to be able to touch Sharon, but she was surprised to find her improvised immobility something of a turn on. She squared her shoulders, pushing her breasts up and out, even as she ground her hips against the stretch of 3 fingers after 5 years of being effectively celibate.

Sharon could hear Brenda's breath coming quicker, and she angled her body so that she could use the power of her thigh to press even deeper. She made sure she dragged her fingers over the rough patch of skin with each thrust, and she licked along the column of Brenda's throat, and nibbled the line of her jaw, before taking her mouth in another boldly possessive kiss.

Brenda could barely hang on - her body screaming for release, the orgasm playing right at the edge of her control, but now that they'd crossed this line, now that Sharon was buried to the third knuckle inside of her - Brenda was determined to make it last. She bent her knees and slid her breasts against the silk of Sharon's shirt, and counted by sevens in Czech.

Sharon could feel the way Brenda was coiled in tension, her abdominal muscles were twitching, and each time she was sure that Brenda was going to come, the great contraction of kegels would interrupt the rhythm she'd set.

"Why are you fighting it, Brenda?" Sharon whispered, her breath warm and sensual against Brenda's sweat damp skin.

"I'm not fighting anything, Sharon, I'm savoring. It's been a long time and I, I don't want it to be over so soon." Brenda replied.

"But Brenda, I thought you understood. We're just getting started." Sharon husked.

Brenda felt those words like fire in her nerves and she shivered at the dark promise in Sharon's voice.

"Don't fight your feelings, Brenda. I'm not fighting mine. I am exactly where I want to be - here inside you like this. You feel like velvet, I can feel your heartbeat in my palm. You fit around me like you were made for me." Sharon murmured, slowly thrusting her hips and hand, pulling out almost entirely, before plunging back into Brenda's heated depths. She kissed her just as slowly, teasing with her teeth and tongue until she heard the soft whimper that was the only tell Brenda didn't seem to know she had.

Breaking the kiss and redoubling her efforts, Sharon watched Brenda for a moment before speaking again.

"Open your eyes for me. Look at me."

Brenda's eyes blinked open, and met Sharon's steady gaze. She expected to see the lust in the swirling shades of green, and also the faint hue of triumph at going first. But what she wasn't expecting, what pushed her over the edge and tore her orgasm and a sob from her simultaneously, was the look of love, undeniable and honest - it held her in place and shattered her completely at the same time. She pulled her shaking hands free from the shirt that confined her, and pulled Sharon into a kiss that tasted like tears and hope.


	4. Chapter 4

Atonement part 4

Sharon kissed Brenda like she was drowning, and maybe she was, in some sense. She slipped her fingers free, cupping Brenda gently through the aftershocks, as she pulled away to breathe. She wondered if she could learn to live with the pain in her chest, if it meant that she could have Brenda like this, all disheveled and loose limbed from pleasure, without turning her whole world upside down. She took another deep breath, but her lungs didn't seem to be paying attention, and spots swam before her eyes as she swayed a little.

Brenda was quick to find her wits, kicking off her heels and stepping forward, looping her arms around Sharon's swaying form as those green eyes glazed over, before closing. Sharon sagged against her, and Brenda pulled her up, dropping her shoulder and lifting. It was not elegant, or graceful, but she ran 5 miles on her treadmill almost every day, and her arms held the uneven definition of hundreds of hours at the gun range, so Brenda was able to sling Sharon over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes, as her daddy would say; she carried her past the couch, and into the bedroom. Sharon hardly stirred as Brenda spread her out on the fluffy bedspread. Brenda sat at her side, and lifted one long, lovely leg into her lap. She snicked the zipper of one low heeled ankle boot, and tugged, then repeated the process for the matching set. Sharon's toes were polished with a pearlescent hue, almost clear, but not quite. Brenda tried not to notice, because noticing made her palms itch to touch. She set the boots aside, and then unfastened the dark trousers, pulling them down as dispassionately as she was able. She flipped the covers on the other side of the bed down, and then bodily maneuvered Sharon over. She was kneeling beside her, catching her breath, when Sharon opened her eyes and looked faintly alarmed at finding Brenda looming half naked above her.

"This is new. Usually I'm on top in this dream." Sharon murmured, reaching out to twist a rosebud nipple, and pinning Brenda with a look that melted steel and resolve.

"That is not surprising, and this is not a dream, love." Brenda replied, catching and stilling the questing hand. "You texted me, as Andy, and told me to come get you. Do you remember?"

"I.. Yes. And then I.." Sharon trailed off as embarrassment bloomed first at her unusual seduction, followed by a pulse of arousal so strong that it made her thighs clench.

"And then we - is more accurate, because I was right there with you, Sharon. Right up until you passed out." Brenda's voice cracked along that last sentence. "When was the last time you had any actual food - not just tea or coffee?"

Sharon had the grace to look sheepish, and that was enough to propel Brenda into motion. She straddled Sharon, who groaned in delight, and then again in disappointment as Brenda swung her leg all the way round, and scooted off of Sharon and the bed. She paused briefly to flip the covers over Sharon's pale, lean legs, and the enticingly damp jewel toned silk, and leaned in for a quick and breathless kiss, before stalking off to the kitchen with a litany of grumbles under her breath.

Sharon laid on her back and contemplated the mechanics of human cloning. It seemed like the only viable solution for her predicament. It was not lost on her that she'd spent years in celibate fidelity to a drunk who'd gambled away her trust long before he lost their house, but she hadn't even gotten married to the recovering alcoholic who loved her beyond measure, before she hopped into an adulterous bed with the woman who'd broken her yet somehow seemed to be the only one who could stitch her back together. She sighed hugely. There was no way to save everyone in this scenario, anymore than she'd been able to save everyone in the courtroom. She wasn't sure if she could, or even if she should, save herself.

It was easy to pretend, here in the kitchen, half naked and still damp with pleasure, that the last five years were a terrible dream. That Sharon was in her bed because Brenda hadn't been foolish enough to make her go, and that they were in the sort of uncomplicated love that meant fighting for the crossword on Sunday morning, and feeling safe while asleep. But as she stepped back into the room, and took in Sharon's rigid form beneath the bedclothes, the silvery sheen of tears in the shallow lines around her eyes, it was all too real, and the fantasy came crashing down around her. She was at the bedside in an instant, setting the tray with a surprising amount of healthy options and two steaming cups of coffee down on the nightstand and crawling in under the covers. She pulled Sharon to her, molding their bodies together and running gentle fingers through her hair.

"Shhh, it's OK, love. I know. I know." Brenda murmured, pressing soft kisses onto Sharon's head.

Sharon shook her head, a few more traitorous tears leaking out onto the generous curve of Brenda's breast. Surrounded by the heat of Brenda, the subtle scent of magnolias and vanilla and the musk of desire, Sharon could see one future spool out in front of her - the two of them tucked in on the couch, House Hunters and red wine and the easy comfort of sliding her cold toes beneath Brenda's thigh just to make her shriek with faux outrage. She could even see where Rusty would fit, blushing and grinning in fond exasperation as he worked on the computer across the room. Her heart tugged sharply in her chest, and she was drowning again, choking on the air she couldn't breathe. She won't lose her son, and she knows how Rusty feels about Andy - how he helped him propose, and welcomed him to the family. He would be so disappointed in her.

Brenda heard the choked sob, felt the flood of tears against her skin, and she shoved her shattered eager heart into the drawer in her mind where she put the things she could not deal with. She rubbed circles on Sharon's back, and she did not notice the warmth of skin beneath satin. She modeled the pattern of her breath for Sharon, deep and slow until Sharon matched her just so. She pressed one last lingering kiss against Sharon's temple, and then she reached for the tray of food, setting it in front of Sharon.

"Eat something. I'd rather not have to haul you anywhere else unconscious." She gestured to the tray as she slipped out of bed and headed to her dresser, pulling out her UGA hoodie and tugging it over her head, covering her nudity.

Sharon couldn't speak around the lump in her throat so she just nodded , and stared blankly at the tray. She registered the dip of the bed as Brenda climbed gracelessly in, curling her legs beneath her.

"Criss cross applesauce." Sharon finally found her voice, as Brenda pressed a mug of coffee into her hands.

"Criss what now?" Brenda asked , concerned that Sharon might be having an episode of some sort.

"How you're sitting. When my children were in preschool, they called it criss cross applesauce." Sharon explained, taking a sip of coffee, her eyes falling closed against the discovery that of course Brenda remembered, even after all this time. The flavor turned bittersweet on her tongue as she realized that Andy still got it wrong, even after all this time.

"Huh. In Georgia, we called it Indian style, though I suspect that's racist." Brenda plucked a grape from the white square bowl and popped it into her mouth.

"We called it tailor style in Portland." Sharon could hear how ridiculous it was, but at least it was safe.

"That's a lot of complicated ways to say cross-legged, you ask me." Brenda sounded vaguely insulted by the whole idea. She also sounded like Clay, and Sharon's heart broke a little bit more as she realized that Brenda would have only been speaking to Clay for the last few years, since her mother passed. Sharon had sent flowers, of course, but she had not signed the card. She wondered if Brenda knew anyway.

"Brenda, there are three kinds of fruit on this tray." Sharon said quietly.

"Mmmhm. And some hummus and pita for protein. And some cookies. And a little turkey sandwich with Dijon mustard, cut on the bias with a pickle. I wasn't sure what you'd be in the mood for, but I figured you'd be more likely to eat if it was stuff you liked." Brenda replied, as though it was normal for her to have all of these things on hand.

"Fresh fruit." Sharon emphasized.

"I have some in the little jars too if you want that instead." Brenda moved as though she meant to get up.

"No, thank you. It's just a surprise - you used to refuse to buy fresh fruit because you were never home to eat it before it went off."

"Oh. I just got in a craving the last time I went shopping. For heaven's sake, Sharon, I do eat things besides Reese Cups." Brenda's cheeks flushed with twin spots of color, and Sharon was reminded of how she looked earlier, flushed for such a different reason.

"You don't eat lunch meat, except for baloney on white bread." Sharon said, picking up one of the sandwich triangles and peering at it. "This is whole wheat."

"Sharon. Please. Just eat something, and I can take you home." Brenda whispered.

"Oh. I see." Sharon nodded, and took a bite of the sandwich, because she did see. Even though it had been 6 weeks with no contact, Brenda had started to think about Sharon while she shopped. Had started to think about Sharon being here with her and needing food. Had remembered, of course she remembered, the sorts of things Sharon kept in her own kitchen. The sandwich tasted like home, but turned to ash in her mouth.

Brenda sipped her coffee and tried not to think. But even if she kept her thoughts on lock down, she wasn't blind. And her eyes were greedy. She studied Sharon in her peripheral vision. She was still slightly splotchy from crying, but her hair was mussed in the way that it looked first thing in the morning, a riotous auburn halo around her face. Her fingers were long and well manicured - it was only the ragged cuticles that gave truth to her level of turmoil. Brenda tried not to think about the fact that when Sharon pressed three fingers inside, when Brenda had climaxed so hard she saw stars - Sharon's engagement ring had been right there, scratching a counter rhythm against her inner thigh. She wondered if Andy would notice it smelled like sex when Sharon touched his face later. Instead, she focused on the little patch of exposed skin between the blankets, and the hem of Sharon's panties. The tiny mole just slightly off center. The way her thumb fit perfectly in the small indentation of the joint when she had to hold Sharon down to keep her tongue in place.

"You're staring." Sharon's voice was low and raspy and sounded like Brenda should lay her down among the fresh fruit and eat her fill before famine struck.

"I know that you won't be coming back. So I'm memorizing." Brenda replied, honestly but with more candor than she'd intended.

"I could, you know." Sharon spoke slowly, sliding the tray down to the floor, and stretching her hand out to Brenda. "I could come back to you, whenever you'd have me. I just can't stay - not yet. Rusty... I can't break up the only family he's ever trusted."

"You think you could do that?" Brenda meant to sound skeptical, and scornful, but her voice betrayed her hope. She cleared her throat and tried again, ignoring the soft track of Sharon's fingers along her wrist. "You think you'd be able to spend your lunch hour here with me, and then go back to the office and kiss Andy, with the taste of me still on your lips? You think you'd be willing to slip away between night classes and evening meetings, and then go back and make dinner for the happy family, standing at the stove on your aching, quivering thighs? Could you crawl into your marriage bed with my scent still clinging to your body, and open yourself again, to your husband? Because I don't think you are really aware of what you are suggesting, Sharon." She set her mug aside, and leaned forward, nuzzling the soft skin behind Sharon's earlobe."And even if you could put away your faith and your morals - do you think I'd be strong enough to let you go for a third time? A fourth? I am not a good person by nature, love. I am selfish and I don't share. It is everything I have in me to let you go this time." Brenda rolled suddenly, so that she was flush against Sharon from head to toe.

"Brenda..." Sharon's voice was ragged.

"No, let me finish. It's important that you understand." Brenda whispered the words against Sharon's collarbone as she popped open the buttons on Sharon's blouse.

"I have never stopped loving you, Sharon. Never stopped wanting you. I want you to be happy. But if you pareceled yourself out to me, I would be grateful, until I got greedy. And then I would leave little clues for Andy. You think that you would notice, but you wouldn't. Will Pope never did. A little bit of pink lipstick here, a tiny love bite there, the pattern of my fingernails on your back, or your thighs. It may not be immediate - but Andy Flynn is a damn good detective, and even Estelle Pope finally made the connection between the lipstick on his collar and my particular shade of pink. Because that's what happens when my greed overtakes my gratitude. I have been the other woman before, Sharon, so this is not hypothesis for me. And I love you more than I ever cared for Pope. You would resent me for not being satisfied with what you were willing to give. And in the end, you would hate me. And I already told you that I couldn't bear that."

Sharon heard the break in Brenda's voice, and surged up to pull her down in a kiss before the tears came. She kissed Brenda like she was drowning, and maybe she was in a sense. She didn't know how to make room for air when her chest was so tight with love and regret. She knew that she was absolutely willing to take whatever she could get of Brenda, without hurting Rusty. She was loathe to admit how little she was considering Andy's feelings. But she could not break Brenda, anymore than she could hurt Rusty, and so she held on when Brenda tried to pull away.

"If you are going to memorize this - if this is the end, then we should say goodbye properly. Closure, isn't that what people always say they want? Let me love you one last time. Love me, and then we'll say goodbye." Sharon dragged Brenda's hand inside her unbuttoned blouse, her nipples already tight and jutting against the lace.

"Sharon." Brenda groaned, and rubbed her thumb in a tight circle. She pulled her hoodie off, and shimmied out of her skirt, as Sharon pushed her blouse back and shook it to the floor.

They crashed together desperately, and the slow slide of skin on skin had them both gasping, their kisses unstructured and hotter than the California sun. Brenda's hands were everywhere as she pressed Sharon down among the pillows and nestled her thigh against all that wet warmth, rocking against Sharon's body in a maddeningly slow motion that left Sharon panting. She was determined to take her time. She was going to remember every freckle, every sigh, and the way Sharon's eyes blazed as Brenda licked her way down. If this was going to be goodbye, she was going to make sure Sharon remembered her. She was going to ruin Sharon for Andy just a little bit. Because she was sure that nobody, not even Andy Flynn, would ever love Sharon like she did, and she was doing the right thing, and Andy was a good man, and he'd be a good husband and a good father, but she wanted to make sure that in the still small dark of night - when Sharon was alone with her thoughts, that she would be thinking about her, because Brenda was certain that she would be thinking of Sharon.


End file.
